Gayle Lynn

"Solitude and death for you, Gayle Lynn. 1948, unloved infant girl. The loneliest of graves for you, Gayle Lynn" - Xiu Xiu, "Gayle Lynn"



I'm ill. I think all of you who didn't know that should know it now.

I've had eating disorders for most of my life.
I became a severe overeater when I was about 8 as a coping mechanism for my severe depression, due to how absolutely wrong everything was. My parents, at this point, were divorced yet still having problems with one another, and it was at this time that I first started to realize how much my father didn't like me. My mom's heroin addict boyfriend was living with us. He stole tons of money from us and eventually molested me.
I was completely alone, the "weird fat girl" in school, and so I compulsively overate.

When I was 11, I began to cut my wrists superficially and feel guilty for eating anything, even a cookie or apple or something. The first time I threw up after eating was in school, after lunch, on Halloween. I got in trouble for being tardy to class and got a demerit.
I continued to cut myself and purge what I ate until the beginning of 7th grade.

I started throwing up again in February of 2008. It gradually worked up from being a borderline disorder to a condition that I need to attend intensive care for.*
(*I will be attending the Partial Hospitalization/Day Treatment program at the Renfrew Center in Radnor, PA as of 10/21/08)

Currently, I have been dropping at least 5 pounds each week, I consume 500 calories a day, all of which I purge, and punish myself for eating and not purging.
I have also taken to drinking distilled vinegar to diminish my hunger. I carry it around in my bag in a little brown glass bottle.

I have a loose tooth, I have previously lost half of a molar, I am always cold, I have broken blood vessels in my eye and face from straining to purge food (If you personally know me and saw me that week when my face was covered in pale purple freckle-like things, that's what that was.)
My hair doesn't feel human anymore and it falls out when i brush it, which is why I cut most of it off. I'm not a very pretty sight anymore.
And I'm still too fucking fat.
The other day, I saw ribs under my skin and was pretty much ecstatic.
The next day, my mom and I headed off to Boston to the Natural Products Expo East, which I basically pigged out and only purged maybe 6 times in the three days we were there.
Currently a waist size 7. My goal is a size 3.

The thing that hurts the most is living with someone I know better than anyone (that would be me) hating me more than anything on this planet. I hope no one ever hates themselves as much as I hate me. It is painful and horrible and annoying.

Perhaps even more painful than that is the fact that I know absolutely no one else with an eating disorder. If you have ever read the Maus books by Art Spiegelman, it is not unlike the part where Vladek meets the frog in the concentration camp who can only speak French and English and can not find anyone who speaks French. The poor frog can't speak to anyone and is going mad with grief and loneliness until he meets Vladek, who can speak English, and is henceforth saved because he now has a friend, someone to talk to.
I am so alone, I can not speak the english of anyone else. So please, please, if you have ever dealt with this or anything similar, please please send me your contact information. Email address, myspace, facebook, AIM, MSN, anything.
I can be reached at sushisehnsucht@hotmail.com

Today I went with my mom to my orientation for treatment. In the waiting room, there was a woman, probably in her early 40's, with her husband, filling out consent and treatment forms.
When she stood up to hand in her forms, she could barely walk. She was so thin I was worried she was going to break.
When she had left, my mom looked at me and said "That was utterly disturbing". I replied, "You know what's even more disturbing? There are days when I wish I looked just like that"


<3