Disappearing Acts

I don't have a father.

I never have. I don't know him.

I know who he is, I can pick him out of a crowd. He's that non-descript looking fellow with glasses and a maroon bike with a banana seat who works at the Philadelphia Record Exchange on saturdays and sundays. But if I could just make him and his wife disappear, then I would in a heartbeat. They don't want me around, so why should I give them that courtesy?

Daddy died minutes after my parents divorced and became Bob, and sometimes Robert Jr.

I sometimes wonder if he's ever thought of me and how I was doing and how old I am (because I don't think he knows). I wonder if he knows what color my eyes are or how tall (short, rather) i am or what music i like (because we like exactly the same music) or that i'm actually dying slowly because as I'm writing this I haven't eaten in three days.

After Bob got remarried to Anne, joint custody over my little brother and I was agreed upon. Privately, they agreed on Thursdays and Saturdays every week, when we would spend the night there. Until our two half brothers were born, those nights consisted of T.V. dinners, late nights of television, and the internet.

Last summer, Anne banned me from their house for about 2 months for a youthful kleptomaniac mistake that I righted and apologized extensively for.

About 5 months ago, I was kicked out for good. They took my brother in to live with them, henceforth leaving me as the only sibling that wasn't allowed to see the paternal side of my family.

It was a good three months before I made any contact with any of them. I stopped in to see Bob at work one day with my boyfriend at the time. He honestly looked as if he was about to cry.

Bob had never hugged me before that day. I was scared. He asked me if I was ever going to stay over the house again.

"I might stop by for Christmas"

"I HAVE TO WAIT THAT LONG?!"

I was so tempted to say that if I could, in good consciousness, make him wait until he was on his deathbed, then I would. I told him that I would come over sooner if Anne wanted me there, but I don't like going places that I'm not wanted. Seconds later, I left.

He doesn't want me. Neither of them want me. Bob is utterly incapable of taking care of himself, let alone 4 kids. Anne is giving him security as long as she gets what she wants. In a word, he's whipped.

I've been stopping by and saying hi almost every weekend. I feel like I'm spoiling him.