Dangerhouse

I need help finding a compilation my dad gave me once that I lost
The Dangerhouse compilation, it was really really REALLY good
and I can't find a torrent for it.
If anyone has it, please lemme know.
Love!
<3

Self-improvement addict's corner

I'm starting a juice fast today in an attempt to kick my food addiction.
I made a commitment about a week ago that I would go to the gym every day for 20 days, enough to get in better shape than i am now. It's working, i went back up to an 8 when I stopped purging and restricting for good, but i'm back down to a 7, almost a 6.
I'll be honest, I've slipped up a bit on purging and starving, as Liv is my new diet buddy and I feel somewhat like I won't be good enough if I don't purge or only eat two things a day. Not that she makes me feel that way, it's my stupid mind and the way it works.

I apologized to all those I have wronged, mainly Zeke, Emanuela, and Jesse.
I went over to Zeke's the other day to get my stuff. The original intent was an angry visit in which Liv and her boyfriend Nick offered to join and beat him up (not my idea!) but instead, I apologized and ended the drama. When I left, he hugged me, which was kind of nice. It was an awkward business hug, but a hug nonetheless.
I realized that I had been using the great undoer ("but") a lot after apologizing, and I realized it wasn't beneficial to my cause. So I beat my pride and apologized for everything. To everyone.

I've been spending a lot of time with the paternal side of my family lately. I mean, not as much as I used to, but still, it's nice. I don't feel awkward there anymore, as I did the first two times I went back. This is progress.

I'm continuously building a new life for myself. I feel like I've cut myself off in certain ways, but this is transition, and sacrifices must be made.
I am changed, this is true, and I think it's for the better.

I think back to where I was about 4 months ago. I was a wreck. I was uncouth, pants stained with vomit and my fingers smelling perpetually of bile and half-digested food, getting no sleep (as we had bedbugs), lashing out at everyone for no reason, and just simply hating life as it were.
I've stopped talking about my ED so much, if at all. I used it as an apology for still being fat, and I realized that I didn't care.

I am pushing myself hard, but it is the only way I will truly get better.

I remember

There is a marvelous little book by Joe Brainard called I Remember. It is a bulleted list of things that he remembers. In no specific order, just things, as he remembers them.
A brief bio of Joe Brainard:

Joe Brainard was born in 1942 in Salem, Arkansas and spent his childhood in Tulsa, Oklahoma. He is the brother of painter John Brainard. Brainard became friends with Ron Padgett, Dick Gallup and Ted Berrigan during high school while working on the literary magazine The White Dove Review. He joined them in New York City around 1961, after leaving the Dayton Art Institute. By 1964, Brainard had already had his first solo exhibition and was ensconced in a circle of friends that included Frank O’Hara, Kenneth Koch, Alex Katz, Edwin Denby, Larry Rivers, Fairfield Porter, James Schuyler, Jane Freilicher, Virgil Thompson, John Ashbery, among many others. He also began a relationship with Kenward Elmslie which lasted much of his life, despite having other lovers. He found much success as an artist until he removed himself from the artworld in the early 1980s. Brainard died of AIDS-induced pneumonia in 1994.



Needless to say, i was inspired


I remember not being afraid of daddy long-legs

I remember a brand of ice cream cone that my stepmom bought once that tasted like something I couldn't remember

I remember how slow everything got when I would trip and fall

I remember the first time I learned about sarcasm. I wanted both popsicles but I was only allowed one, and being told "Sure, have two, lose your teeth"

I remember the scariest image I've ever had was being told my teeth would rot out at night by a woman in a Chinese restaurant

I remember Swedish Fish fights on unseasonably warm saturday nights

I remember "Please walk away and let me go" "I can't my darling I love you so"

I remember well-balanced mix CDs on the ride to Delaware

I remember going to bed in Connecticut and waking up in Philadelphia

I remember breaking in to the dining hall with my best friends and stealing ice cream sandwiches

I remember winning poetry contests worth money but never collecting the money

I remember 6 AM debate team

I remember planning out counter-insults to mean kids the night of the first day of school

I remember being scared of "We need to talk"

I remember bad chinese food and holding hands quietly in the back of the car. I wore my Gir t-shirt and straightened my hair and he gave me more presents than I could carry.

I remember 7th grade. Warm days on the back of the bus with everyone flocking to us for stories and to watch our tits bounce when we went over the big bump on Passyunk

I remember Big Tea Party and eating chicken at precisely 6 o'clock with Mary

I remember "ONE....ONE.....ONE....ONE....HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

I remember sad belly aches when you got a new girlfriend

I remember being afraid I was the only person in the world with feelings

I remember joke "About Me" powerpoint presentations

I remember being cold on hot days

I remember Tida, how much fun she was, and our walks around the building before school.

I remember Bahijah, how cute she always was, and how sad I was to learn that she was sad.

I remember talking in my sleep about Sea Monkeys and Paris Hilton

I remember being sad

I remember being happy

I remember the first time I met Jinx. We went to the Fashion exhibit at the art museum and then saw American premiers of Japanese cartoons. I remember being awestruck by her beauty.

I remember Maggie putting on a play at Old Pine and wanting to be in it.

I remember "I have two legs going on three legs"

I remember reading "I Remember" and wanting to write a list like it.

Homunculus

I found a manga I like
it's called
HOMUNCULUS
about a misanthrope who pretends to be homeless and lives in his car between a homeless park and a hotel, which he was a regular at.
I like mangas that read like novels
And this is definitely as such
the torrent for the first 8 volumes is here
The guy who does it, Hideo Yamamoto, also did Ichi The Killer.
Pure genius.

Goo goo goo talkin' bout goo

I gained back about 10 pounds, but i don't really care.

I have a few good new friends, who are really fun to hang out with. I think I met my twin. We have the same hair color and think the same way about things and we like to do the same things. Her name is Liv, and I hope we're friends for a while.

Maura and Maggie came over the other night and I bleached Mo-mo's hair. And I apologized. Which is something I owed her because i was wrongfully un-cool with her for a bit there. She is honestly one of my better friends, and I keep burning bridges with people and i don't want to anymore.

I'm going vegan for a month with my friend Vienna's mom. I was also simultaneously going to do the Special K diet, but Special K has milk products in it, so that was a flop. I am desperately trying to get rid of these 10 pounds without purging or starving, but it's not working too well so far.

Lately I've been close with Gabe Stemmer, who I've known since kindergarten. We've been spending a lot of time together. He's like a gay best friend (sans the gay part, maybe. we're not sure yet.) which is nice to have. I think I've successfully replaced all the people I've lost.
Mary and I are cool again. I love her so much. I feel like I've been the worst friend in the world to her. I'm afraid to show affection to anyone. Even those who crave it and deserve it, like her. She deserves the world, I'm just sorry I can't give it to her.
She told me to grow up. I think I might just need to grow up.

Also, I've made a playlist on Project Playlist of my favorite songs.
Enjoy.